i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
