i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
