onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
