Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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