she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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