I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
