Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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