just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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