Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
