Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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