i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
