Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
3 2 1 whiskey
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
