am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
