his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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