if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
