if i can run in heels then i can drive
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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