Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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