Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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