I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The air taste purple.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
