Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
