i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
