It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
