i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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