It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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