my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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