Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
