Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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