So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
