The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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