at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
