Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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