So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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