I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
