on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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