I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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