Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
