Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
