being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
