i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
