Your dad touched me again.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
