Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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