good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
