mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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