I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
