just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
