I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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