You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
