When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
