Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
