hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
